20.08.2014

I love you, Mom
I love you, Dad
but I'm sorry that I'm not exactly being a good daughter
I've let you down AGAIN...
I'm trying...like so hard to be a better person...like by being strong and optimistic
but everytime, some little thing hits me, everything from my past come back as a big wave and drown me too deep
trying to swim back but so hard to breathe
I miss you...I really do and I dont even know what to do
I keep finding where I belong to...still dont know

I thought I made some friends at uni but the age gap...
they try,too but I'm just too different and I dont think they can relate to me
I still love them though...I love seeing them all happy and smile even though I cannot be like them

somedays are not too bad but some days are hard
sometimes, I just want to give up 'cause I think giving up is so much easier but I cant...just cant
if I did, I'd feel guity of letting you down for the rest of my life
I'd love to see you smile with pride and smile with you

but I do wish to have a simple life; where I can live like normal people, breathe like normal people ...where I don't have to be so strong and harden my heart
sometimes, I don't understand why it's okay for people to be mean towards me and all of a sudden, when I try to get them back...it becomes NOT OKAY...not fair huh

I'll try again...to be stronger
after wiping all these tears...

May 19, 2014

What else can go wrong? seriously...

I feel so hopelessly helpless

I don't want to be weak and I'm trying so hard not to break down but it's hard

just so hard...

I don't want to complain about everything but I think I did well in front of my mom for not letting any tears fall down on my face

but I wanted to cry in my mom's arms and hug her and just let go of everything and sleep

on the way back home, on the bus that I took, there was this one little girl crying so loud ...I wanted to cry out like that but instead I just quietly poured out my tears in the dark

on the train, there was this lady who told almost everything about her life to her friend beside her in public I don't think I've ever been like that but I wish I could...
it's like letting everyting out without caring what other people will think of you or how they will judge you
so CHOKED UP and I don't know who to talk to
and even when I want to talk to somebody, I don't know where to start
why do I get bullied all the time?

why bad luck likes to stick with me?

REALLY...even if those take place only one at a time, it'd be much better
but I can't choose my fate, can I?
at least, I can write this all out here and feel a bit better after (I hope)

feel like taking all anti-depressant at once and be done with it

but I can't be like that...I have to survive to make my parents proud and happy and have to look after them so that they live happily and healthily

I really wish there were somebody beside me cheering me up though
somebody who can understtand me of course but it's like a miracle ; might happen but probably never :)

Life!

can be sad...can be fun
sometimes, you need the truth
sometimes, the truth hurts
and the worst of all, pretending hurts
when you misunderstood someone, it hurts you like hell
when you misread the signals...

when everything you think is real, suddenly turns into something else...
all you need to do is...SUCK IT UP and move on
BUT in this moment,

---speechless---