Is this love?

this ache...incredibly painful feeling...
like my heart's been smashed into million pieces...
Is this love?

missing his smile, his laugh, his voice, his touch, his hug, his kiss...
knowing he's not mine anymore...but still wanting to make him happy...
Is this love?

saying 'NO' to any guy who's interested in me...and wishing all those attention was from you
hoping you'd be happy but wishing you'd miss me...
Is this love?

looking in random crowds for your face...
checking my phone randomly for your message...
Is this love?

this girl, this super sensitive and emotional girl
she wants to tell you how much she loves you
by being as silent as she can be...
she wants to show you how much she wants to be with you
by being as far away from you as she can be...
IS THIS LOVE?

20.08.2014

I love you, Mom
I love you, Dad
but I'm sorry that I'm not exactly being a good daughter
I've let you down AGAIN...
I'm trying...like so hard to be a better person...like by being strong and optimistic
but everytime, some little thing hits me, everything from my past come back as a big wave and drown me too deep
trying to swim back but so hard to breathe
I miss you...I really do and I dont even know what to do
I keep finding where I belong to...still dont know

I thought I made some friends at uni but the age gap...
they try,too but I'm just too different and I dont think they can relate to me
I still love them though...I love seeing them all happy and smile even though I cannot be like them

somedays are not too bad but some days are hard
sometimes, I just want to give up 'cause I think giving up is so much easier but I cant...just cant
if I did, I'd feel guity of letting you down for the rest of my life
I'd love to see you smile with pride and smile with you

but I do wish to have a simple life; where I can live like normal people, breathe like normal people ...where I don't have to be so strong and harden my heart
sometimes, I don't understand why it's okay for people to be mean towards me and all of a sudden, when I try to get them back...it becomes NOT OKAY...not fair huh

I'll try again...to be stronger
after wiping all these tears...

May 19, 2014

What else can go wrong? seriously...

I feel so hopelessly helpless

I don't want to be weak and I'm trying so hard not to break down but it's hard

just so hard...

I don't want to complain about everything but I think I did well in front of my mom for not letting any tears fall down on my face

but I wanted to cry in my mom's arms and hug her and just let go of everything and sleep

on the way back home, on the bus that I took, there was this one little girl crying so loud ...I wanted to cry out like that but instead I just quietly poured out my tears in the dark

on the train, there was this lady who told almost everything about her life to her friend beside her in public I don't think I've ever been like that but I wish I could...
it's like letting everyting out without caring what other people will think of you or how they will judge you
so CHOKED UP and I don't know who to talk to
and even when I want to talk to somebody, I don't know where to start
why do I get bullied all the time?

why bad luck likes to stick with me?

REALLY...even if those take place only one at a time, it'd be much better
but I can't choose my fate, can I?
at least, I can write this all out here and feel a bit better after (I hope)

feel like taking all anti-depressant at once and be done with it

but I can't be like that...I have to survive to make my parents proud and happy and have to look after them so that they live happily and healthily

I really wish there were somebody beside me cheering me up though
somebody who can understtand me of course but it's like a miracle ; might happen but probably never :)

Life!

can be sad...can be fun
sometimes, you need the truth
sometimes, the truth hurts
and the worst of all, pretending hurts
when you misunderstood someone, it hurts you like hell
when you misread the signals...

when everything you think is real, suddenly turns into something else...
all you need to do is...SUCK IT UP and move on
BUT in this moment,

---speechless---

The Host vs. The Wanderer

Today, without any plans, I happened to go watch a movie that I've never heard of...name was "The Host" & didn't regret my decision :) definitely not the type of movie I've ever seen...
It kind of described my life...like I can relate myself with the Wanderer girl during and after the movie; but not at first because I wasn't interested in the movie then.
This movie has so many Versus:

Trust vs. Lie between unknown world and earth, there are a lot of differences. Being a "Wanderer" from that weird world, she has trust in everybody and she doesn't lie but the "Host" of that Wanderer girl acts totally different; of course like other human beings. That's only when I can't relate to Wanderer girl. I've learned from the movie that sometimes, people will give you a favor even though it seems impossible when you honestly tell them what you really want and believe in yourself. Lie? people lie to get what they want or to escape the punishment or to protect the ones they love. Either way, someone always gets hurt when there's a lie. 

Forgiveness vs. Revenge  even though people were treating Wanderer girl as an outsider because of her position despite having a body of someone they know, her ability to forgive them gave her a great result: being one of them. Saving someone who tried to kill you is NOT easy. The Host wanted to revenge but The Wanderer didn't. And because of that, Wanderer made a stronger bond with those people. With her forgiveness, she changed people from wanting to kill her to trusting her with everything. Revenge can only give you temporary satisfaction whereas Forgiveness rewards you with peace which can last forever.


Love vs. SacrificeIn this movie, I've seen so many bonds: bro-sis bond, lovers, friend/sis bond...Sometimes, when you love somebody, you are willing to make sacrifice. Of course, there'll be no happy ending but this is the risk you want to take for make other person's life better. Also, when you are stuck in someone's body, you can't really make your own choices simply because you have two minds. You would feel weird when a person who once tried to kill you protects you and fell in love with you. And, you can say that Love is REAL when it doesn't change even though the Host of the body changed. That really meant that he actually loves the person inside, not the physical features. People say "love hurts" but it is not LOVE that hurts you. It depends on how you love and the person you love. If you know how to love, you won't get hurt. In this world of uncertainty, nobody knows the future...you can only enjoy the present.

All in all, even within the same body, you can have two minds, two different personalities but in the end, the Wanderer and the Host has become one. Although they fought a lot in the beginning, they understand each other better along the journey. Finally, they bonded as sisters and couldn't live without each other anymore. The most beautiful part of the story♥. 

ဒိုင္မဲ့ကစားပြဲ

"ေတာက္!"
အျဖဴေရာင္ေဖြးဆြတ္ေနတဲ့ ဂါ၀န္ျဖဴလွလွေလးတစံုကို၀တ္ဆင္ထားတဲ့ ေကာင္မေလးတေယာက္ရဲ့ မ်က္၀န္းကအရည္ၾကည္ေလးတေပါက္ သူမေရွ႔က စားပြဲေပၞက်လာတဲ့အသံေလး...

"ဒီေန႔ မဂၤလာေဆာင္ရေတာ့မယ္" ဟု ေတြးေနမိတဲ့ သူမစိတ္က ေလးပင္စြာထံုထိုင္းေနသည္။

တကယ္ေတာ့ သတို႔သားျဖစ္သူက သူမရဲ့ႏွလံုးသားကိုစိုးမိုးထားသူ
သူမ ေပ်ာ္ေနသင့္တယ္...ဒါေပမဲ့ တကယ္တမ္းက်ေတာ့....
... .... ...

ေရျပင္ညီတိမ္းေစာင္းျခင္း

မိုးစက္ေလးေတြဖြဲက်ကာမွ
ကမာၻၾကီးက လန္းဆန္းတယ္
ဒါဆို ဖန္တီးေပးသူ တိမ္တိုက္ကေရာ
ဘယ္လိုနည္းနဲ့ လန္းဆန္းမလဲ

အစာရလို႔ ၀မ္း၀ပါမွ
အပင္ေတြ အျမင္လွၾကတယ္
ဒါဆို ေပးပို႔သူ အျမစ္ေတြေရာ
ဘယ္သူစြမ္းလုိ႔ လွပႏိုင္မလဲ

မီးေတာက္ေနတဲ့ ဖေယာင္းတိုင္မွ
အလင္းေရာင္ ျဖစ္ေပၞလာတယ္
ဒါဆို ေလာင္ကြ်မ္းေနတဲ့ မီးစာသက္တမ္း
ဘယ္သူတြက္ဆ တမ္းတေနမလဲ

ႏူးညံ့လွပတဲ့ အေမြးပြအက်ီေလးမွ
ေႏြးေထြးလံုျခံဳျခင္းကို ခံစားၾကရတယ္
ဒါဆိုအကာကြယ္ေပးေနတဲ့အက်ီကိုေရာ
ဘယ္သူကမ်ား အေအးဒဏ္မွ ကင္းေ၀းေစႏိုင္မလဲ

တဖက္သတ္ဆန္တဲ့ ေလာကၾကီးမွာ
ငိုေၾကြးေနတဲ့တိမ္တိုက္လို
ေပးဆပ္ေနတဲ့ အျမစ္ေတြလို
ေလာင္ကြ်မ္းေနတဲ့မီးစာလို
ေ၀ဒနာခံစားေနရတဲ့အက်ီေလးလို
ဒီလိုလူေတြအတြက္ ေနရာေလးေပးတတ္ၾကရင္...

ေနာက္ဆံုးလက္က်န္

အနာဂတ္ဒိုင္ယာရီတအုပ္ထုတ္ေ၀ဖို႔
ရည္မွန္းခ်က္ေတြစာစီ
အေတြးပန္းခ်ီေတြဖြဲ႔သီေနခ်င္ေသးေပမဲ့
ေမွ်ာ္လင့္ခ်က္မွင္ရည္ ကုန္ခမ္းလုေနပါျပီ

ေအာ္ဟစ္ေနေပမဲ့ မၾကားႏိုင္တဲ့အသံ
ငိုေၾကြးေနေပမဲ့ ေျခာက္ေသြ႔ေနတဲ့မ်က္၀န္း
ေသဆံုးေနေပမဲ့ အသက္ရွင္က်န္ေနေသးတဲ့လူတေယာက္အတြက္
ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္မွဳေတြ အလွည့္မရႏိုင္ေအာင္
မင္းမူထားတဲ့ နာက်င္မွဳေတြ
ဒီေနရာမွာ ရပ္တန္းက ရပ္ေပးပါ

သို႔ k&w(n)

ငါမေန႔ညက တညလံုးစိတ္မေကာင္းဘူး...အျပစ္အၾကီးၾကီးလုပ္မိသလိုခံစားရတယ္
ဒါေပမဲ့ ေသခ်ာျပန္စဥ္းစားၾကည့္ေတာ့ ငါဘာလုပ္မိလို႔လဲ ? ငါဘာလုပ္ေသးလို႔လဲ ?
နင္တို႔ကို အေလးထားလို႔ပဲ ငါဒီလိုေနေနတာေလ...
ပတ္၀န္းက်င္ကို ငါဂရုမစိုက္ဘူး...ဂရုမစိုက္ဘူးဆိုတာထက္ သိပ္အေလးမထားဘူးဆိုပိုမွန္တယ္
ပတ္၀န္းက်င္မရွိပဲေနလုိ႔မရဘူး...မွန္တယ္...but သူတို႔က ငါ့ကိုဘယ္ေလာက္ေကာင္းေနလုိ႔လဲ ?
မေကာင္းတာရွိရင္ ကဲ့ရဲ့မယ္...ေကာင္းတာဆိုရင္ ခ်ီးမြမ္းမယ္...ဒါကေလထဲကလာျပီး ေလထဲမွာျပီးသြားတဲ့ဟာေတြ
တာရွည္မခံသလို ခံစားခ်က္လည္းမပါပါဘူး...
ဒါေပမဲ့ နင္တို႔က်ေတာ့မတူဘူး...ငါခ်စ္တယ္...အဲ့အတြက္အေလးထားတယ္
ငါ့ကိုနည္းနည္းေလး ပိုနားလည္ေပးႏုိင္ရင္ေကာင္းမယ္ဟာ...

"စိတ္ကုန္တယ္" ဆုိတဲ့ စကားေနာက္မွာ ပုဒ္မ ကလြဲျပီး ဘာလိုက္လို႔ရဦးမွာလဲ
"i dunno" ဆိုတဲ့ စကားေနာက္မွာ full stop ကလြဲျပီး ဘာရွိေတာ့မလဲ

even though I may lose you...you guys haven't lost me yet

*Juz a story*

တစ္ခါတုန္းက Demon ဆိုတဲ့ေကာင္ေလးရယ္...Casper နဲ့ Hecate ဆိုတဲ့ေကာင္မေလး၂ေယာက္ရယ္... သူငယ္ခ်င္း၃ေယာက္ရွိတယ္
တေယာက္နဲ့တေယာက္အရမ္းခင္ၾကတဲ့ သူငယ္ခ်င္းေတြေပါ့...
တေန႔ေတာ့ သူတို႔သူငယ္ခ်င္း၃ေယာက္ရဲ့ ေပ်ာ္ရႊင္မွဳ ျငိမ္းခ်မ္းမွဳေတြကိုဖ်က္ဆီးမဲ့ ျဂိဳဟ္ဆိုးတခု၀င္လာတယ္
...............

Demon အဲ့ေကာင္မေလးနဲ့ၾကိဳက္ေနျပီဆိုတာကို Casper ကအရင္ရိပ္မိတယ္...ဒါေပမဲ့ ဘာမွေတာ့မေျပာျဖစ္ခဲ့ပါဘူး...
ဒါေပမဲ့ တေန႔ Hecate နဲ့ Casper ၂ေယာက္စကားေျပာၾကရင္း Demon အေၾကာင္းေျပာျဖစ္ၾကတယ္...
၂ေယာက္လံုးက Demon ကိုသံေယာဇဥ္အရမ္းရွိေတာ့ စိုးရိမ္စိတ္ေတြ၀င္လာတယ္...
ဒါေပမဲ့ သူတို႔၂ေယာက္စကားကို Demon နားမေထာင္ ဂရုမစိုက္ခဲ့ပါဘူး...
ဒီေတာ့ ေကာင္မေလး၂ေယာက္လည္း ဂရုဏာေဒါေသာနဲ့ Demon ကိုအဆက္သြယ္ျဖတ္ခဲ့တယ္...
.............

ဘယ္လိုပဲျဖစ္ျဖစ္ Demon အေပၞ သံေယာဇဥ္ရွိတဲ့ ေကာင္မေလး၂ေယာက္က ၾကာၾကာမေနႏိုင္ခဲ့ပါဘူး
Demon စိတ္ညစ္ေနတာ စိတ္ဆင္းရဲတာကို သူတို႔မလိုခ်င္ခဲ့တာပဲရွိတယ္ေလ...Demon ကိုမုန္းခဲ့ၾကလို႔မွမဟုတ္တာ...
..............

တေန႔ေတာ့ Demonရဲ့ေကာင္မေလးက Demon ကိုေတြ႔ဖုိ႔ခ်ိန္းတဲ့အေၾကာင္းကို Casper နဲ့ Hecate သိသြားတယ္
အဲ့ဒီေတာ့ ခ်ိန္းထားတဲ့ေနရာကို Demon ေနာက္က ေျခရာခံျပီး တိတ္တိတ္ေလးလိုက္လာခဲ့တယ္...
Demon နဲ့ သူ႔ေကာင္မေလး စကားေျပာေနတာကို Hecate တုိ႔၂ေယာက္ေခ်ာင္အကြယ္ကေနၾကည့္ေနရင္း Demon ေကာင္မေလးလက္ထဲက ဓါးတလက္ကို
၂ေယာက္လံုး သတိထားမိလိုက္ၾကတယ္...
Hecate တေယာက္ စိုးရိမ္စိတ္ေတြနဲ့ အသင့္ေဆာင္လာတဲ့ ဓါးကိုယူျပီး Demon ရွိရာဆီေျပးထြက္လာခဲ့တယ္...
Casper တေယာက္လည္း Hecate ေနာက္ေျပးလိုက္ခဲ့ေတာ့တာေပါ့...
...............

ျဖစ္ခ်င္ေတာ့ သူ႔ေကာင္မေလး လက္ထဲမွာ ဓါးကိုင္ထားတယ္ဆိုတာကိုမသိတဲ့ Demon တေယာက္ဟာ သူ႔ကိုကာကြယ္ဖို႔အတြက္ ဓါးကိုင္ျပီးေျပးလာတဲ့
သူငယ္ခ်င္း၂ေယာက္ကို ေျပးျပီး တိုက္ခိုက္ခဲ့တယ္...
ဒါေပမဲ့ သူ႔ကိုတကယ္တိုက္ခိုက္မဲ့သူဟာ ဒီေကာင္မေလး၂ေယာက္မဟုတ္ဘူးဆိုတာ Demon သိလိုက္ရတဲ့အခ်ိန္မွာေတာ့
...............


အဆံုးသတ္မွာ...အျပံဳးဇာတ္မပါခဲ့တာေတာ့ ေသခ်ာပါတယ္ :)

စိတ္.စိတ္.စိတ္.

လူေတြရဲ့ စိတ္အစဥ္က လိပ္အလ်င္လို ျဖစ္ရင္ေကာင္းမယ္ေနာ္
အခုက်ေတာ့ ေမ်ာက္သဘင္လိုျဖစ္ေနတယ္ =D

"လုိတာမရ ရတာမလို" တဲ့ေလ
immmmmmmmmmm...
လိုခ်င္တဲ့အရာကို ရေအာင္ယူဖို႔ထက္...ရေနတဲ့အရာကို လိုခ်င္ဖုိ႔ကခက္တယ္ေနာ္
ဆံုးရွံဳးျပီးမွ တန္ဖုိးထားေနလို႔လည္း အလကားပဲ

ပိုင္ဆိုင္ေနတုန္း တန္ဖိုထားခ်င္ထား... <<< မဟုတ္ရင္လည္း ပိုင္ဆိုင္ဖို႔မၾကိဳးစားနဲ့... <<< မလြယ္ဘူး၂ခုလံုး

King Kong မွ သင္ခန္းစာတခ်ိဳ႔

ဒီေန႔ည အစီစဥ္ေတြေလွ်ာက္ရွာရင္း King Kong ဆိုတဲ့ကားကိုေတြ႔လိုက္မိတယ္...
(လြန္ခဲ့တဲ့ ၄ႏွစ္တုန္းက စၾကည့္ဖူးတဲ့ကားေလး...
ေၾသာ္...မွတ္မိေသးတယ္...အဲ့ေန႔က...အရမ္းကိုေပ်ာ္ခဲ့တာ
ျပန္ေတြးလိုက္ရင္ ဘာမွမၾကာေသးသလိုပါပဲ...)
ၾကည့္မယ္ဆိုျပီး ဖြင့္လိုက္ေတာ့ ဇာတ္လမ္းကေတာ္ေတာ္ေလးေရာက္ေနျပီ...
ဒါေပမဲ့ သိျပီးသားဆိုေတာ့...ဆက္ၾကည့္ေနလိုက္တယ္...
အေဖတို႔ကိုလည္း "ေကာင္းတယ္...ၾကည့္" လုိ႔ :P

King Kong ၾကီးကို အရမ္းသနားတာပဲ :'(
သူ႔ခမ်ာ ေကာင္မေလးကိုေတာ္ေတာ္ခ်စ္ရွာတယ္...
လူေတြကလည္း ရက္စက္လိုက္ၾကတာ...သူတို႔ကိုခြဲဖို႔ၾကိဳးစားၾကတယ္...

သဘာ၀ခ်င္းမတူေပမဲ့ အခ်စ္က အခ်စ္ပါပဲ...
တကယ္ဆိုလူသားခ်င္းခ်စ္တဲ့အခ်စ္ကေတာင္မွ...တဏွာစိတ္ေတြ တပ္မက္မွဳေတြပါေနဦးမယ္
King Kong ၾကီးရဲ့အခ်စ္ကေတာ့ ျဖဴစင္လြန္းပါတယ္...ဒါေပမဲ့လည္း
ဇာတ္သိမ္းကေတာ့ ၾသဲစိတ္ၾကိဳက္မျဖစ္ခဲ့ပါဘူး...
အဲ့ဒါေၾကာင့္ ဇာတ္လမ္းမျပီးခင္ (အေဖတို႔ေရွ႔ ငိုမိမွာစိုးလို႔) ေအာက္ထပ္ကိုဆင္းလာခဲ့တာ...

အဲ့ကားေလးၾကည့္ျပီး ၾသဲတခု စဥ္းစားမိတယ္...
တကယ္ေတာ့ အခ်စ္ဆိုတာ ပူေလာင္တယ္လို႔ေတာ့ တပ္အပ္ၾကီးေျပာလို႔မရပါဘူး...
လူေတြရဲ့ ေလာဘေတြ ရမၼက္ေတြကသာ ပူေလာင္မွဳကို ျဖစ္ေစတာလို႔ထင္တယ္
ၾသဲကေတာ့ ၾသဲခ်စ္တဲ့သူကို...ပိုင္ဆိုင္ဖုိ႔ထက္ သစၥာပဲရွိခ်င္ေတာ့တယ္...
ခ်စ္တဲ့သူဘယ္သူမဆို အတူတူေနခ်င္ၾကေပမဲ့...ခြဲခြာရရင္ ပိုခံစားရမွာ...
အဲ့ေတာ့ အစထဲက သူမရွိပဲေနႏိုင္ေအာင္ ျပင္ဆင္ျပီး သူ႔ကိုခ်စ္ေနရတာက ပိုေအးခ်မ္းမယ္ထင္တာပဲ

တကယ္ခ်စ္မိလာရင္ သူ႔ကို စိတ္ထဲမွာပဲ လက္ထပ္ထားလိုက္ေတာ့မယ္...
ရူးေၾကာင္ေၾကာင္ဆန္တယ္လို႔ ေျပာလို႔ရေပမဲ့...တကယ္လုပ္ဖို႔မလြယ္တဲ့ ကိစၥတခုမို႔ စမ္းၾကည့္ခ်င္ေသးတယ္